I’m sure you’ve heard of casino etiquette, those unwritten rules that dictate how to act (and how not to act!) when you walk into a casino. On  your average casino floor there are crowds of people jostling to get in on the casino game action, many of them with hundreds of dollars at stake. The last thing they’ll want to hear is some smart alec (in this case – you!) make a dumb comment or ask a stupid question. I’ve compiled a list of comments that I think are probably worth keeping to yourself when you walk through those casino doors:

You to the blackjack dealer: Do you know any good card tricks?

You to the casino cashier: Can I have change for the condom machine, please?

You to the croupier: Can I use my lucky dice to play craps?

You to the dealer: What are the odds on strip poker?

You to the roulette dealer: Was the French roulette wheel imported from France?

You to your fellow player: Can you break a five for me?

You to the pitboss: The dealer has a poker face!

You to the cashier when he asks which denomination you prefer: Episcopalian

You to the casino security guard: Here’s a tenner.

Other things you should avoid doing at all costs at the casino:

Avoid winking at the dealer (especially of the same sex!)

Don’t try to buy poker chips using Monopoly money.

Don’t whip out your blackjack rule book after the dealer tells you patiently that you cannot split for the tenth time.

So what SHOULD you do?

I’ve spent the last few minutes writing about what you shouldn’t do be doing or saying at the casino, but here are some things that are considered good etiquette (seriously now!)

Ask if you can sit down at a table, even if there is an empty chair. The player next to you may be playing an extra hand.

Keep your emotions under control. Avoid angry outburts, yells of joy or – even worse – curse words. Remember, you’re in a public place!

In the same vein, don’t blame the dealer for your losses.

Tip the dealer!